What Is The “Mental Load”? And How To Lessen It
As a mom of young kids, I am all too familiar with the “mental load”—that feeling when you feel overwhelmed for reasons you can’t even explain. Most moms I know have struggled with this, and I know I do all the time. Why does it happen? Because there is cognitive effort required to parent and run a household.
Even if you have a village of people helping with all of the external work—ex. cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry, picking up toys, changing diapers, prepping bottles, etc.—someone still needs to know what’s going on and make the final decisions on what’s going on with your kids and/or your home. That cognitive effort is the “mental load”. It’s often invisible, since it’s work that only exists in your head, and that makes it difficult to quantify, difficult to communicate, and overwhelming to those who take on the bulk of it.
Who Should Carry The Mental Load?
Now, let me pause for a moment to say that the “Who’s carrying the mental load?” question is a natural challenge in any family. I am not here to solve all of the distribution-of-labor problems, because I certainly don’t have it all figured out for myself! I am lucky to have an AMAZING husband who wants to help with anything and everything at home, but I am bad at delegating because I have control issues… (That’s a me problem, and I’m working on it.)
I typically recommend Fair Play by Eve Rodsky to moms who struggle with the mental load or are looking to redistribute work in their household. BUT (warning: hard truth coming!), even if you have everything “perfectly fair” for your situation, you’re likely to feel overwhelmed at some point. Life is hard, and today’s culture wants you to hustle, so you’ll get behind eventually. And if every feeling of overwhelm leads to complaining and blame-shifting, then it is not a sustainable solution for your marriage. Yes, it’s good to be fair. But first, make sure you’re managing yourself appropriately (Matthew 7:3-5, anybody?!).
Whatever your role is, you need to take ownership of your responsibilities and find systems that empower you to get your fair share done most of the time. That system will likely need to include some strategic prioritization, because you are a limited resource, and you still need to take care of yourself. But that is exactly why I write this blog: because I want to help you find those systems that will allow you to thrive at home.
Why The Mental Load Overwhelms
The fundamental problem with the mental load is in it’s invisibility. The more you hold in your mind, the more chaotic you will feel. I love a good to-do list because it downloads your thoughts into writing, which frees up your brain to think about something else until the appropriate time.
But it is not realistic to write down everything… Can you imagine: your baby poops, and you pause to write down, “Change baby’s diaper” on your to-do list, then go to immediately change it, only to come back and cross it off your to-do list? Sure, it might make you feel more accomplished, but it is certainly not saving your time and brain space!
Similarly, it doesn’t really make sense to document every single task that needs to get done around a house when a lot of them are recurring or small. That’s why I have created a system for my daily tasks.
Daily Tasks
I originally wrote about “My Daily To-Do List” in my to-do list post. I still stand by this system, however I have been refining it over time. A few of my goals for this year are to (1) simplify my systems, and (2) be on my phone less. So in the spirit of simplification, I am reducing my Daily Tasks to three in the morning and three in the evening, and I am time-blocking them into my day.
The 3 Tasks I Do Every Morning
- Make my bed
- Wipe down kitchen counters
- Empty the dishwasher
The 3 Tasks I Do Every Evening
- Clean from meals
- Pick up around the house
- Check floors
Time-Blocking My Daily Tasks
The key to implementing these tasks without thinking about them is in the time-blocking. In the morning, I make my bed while I brush my teeth, and then I “reset” the kitchen while my kids eat breakfast. In the evening, I “reset” the house with all three of my evening tasks after my kids’ bedtime and before I sit down. Because these task lists are smaller and more manageable, I can treat them more like habits than to-do lists. And because I have stacked the tasks with other activities that I do every day, they have become somewhat automatic and I no longer have to think about it.
Automating Your Daily Tasks
Your list is your own, and your time blocks are your own. My husband does the dishes and empties the trash every night, which allows me to keep my evening list that magical, manageable count of 3. I also have already been in the habit of cleaning up from meals throughout the day, even if it’s not perfect.
You’ll make the most difference in lightening your mental load if you can identify the tasks you sometimes think about and then feel stressed that you need to remember to do them. Take those stressor tasks and find another task or time of day to pair them with. If you can make a habit of when and how you’re implementing your stressor tasks, they will no longer take up space in your brain. And eventually you will lessen your mental load.
Do you struggle with the mental load? How are you trying to lessen it? I’d love to hear in the comments below!
If you’re a mom looking for more time, be sure to also check out my posts: How I’m Finding Time as a New Mom of Two and How To Be Productive When You Have No Time.
