Messy House Giving You Mom Rage? Here Are 5 Ways To Help

Mother’s Day was this past weekend, and I saw so many beautifully-worded posts about motherhood. Most of the posts were encouraging, but a few of them started to send me into a spiral of mom guilt. For example, here is an excerpt from one that was particularly triggering: “Your kids won’t remember how clean the house was… They will remember the time you spent with them…” Yes, I agree with that, but I felt myself have an emotional response nonetheless. My gut wanted to scream, “But how am I supposed to relax and enjoy time with them if the house is messy?!” Or, “If I don’t clean it up, who will?”

The root of the problem here isn’t that my family isn’t pulling their weight. The root of the problem is the depth with which I care about my house. Wanting to have a clean house is a good thing… until it’s not. If a messy house can easily send me into a tailspin of mom rage, that’s when I know I’ve taken it too far. Because while a clean house is a good thing, spending time with loved ones is a better thing.

Do you feel me on this? Does a messy house give you mom rage, but a clean house give you mom guilt? How do we navigate the tension between tasks and relationships?

Here’s how: We need to learn how to live in the in-between. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We cannot completely eradicate the chaos within our houses. They cannot be perfect, they never will be. We need to settle for something less than perfect. That’s where the concept of iterative improvements comes into play. We can make small changes to refine the chaos (this concept is reason behind the name of my blog!), so that we can strike that balance of spending time with our people and feeling at peace within our homes.

Here are 5 things that have helped me take care of my house while prioritizing my mental health and relationships.

5 Ways To Feel More At Peace In Your Messy House

1. Move the mess to one spot.

What if “sweeping it under the rug” was actually a good thing? If you clear the majority of a space by moving the mess to one spot in the room, you’re in much better shape than you were before. You can get 80% of your space back for 20% of the effort. This isn’t a permanent solution for the space, but it’s a really great way to live in the in-between. Mentally, I will “write off” the messy pile or messy closet in my head as something else that I’ll get to, and then it’s easier to focus on the present moment in a clear space.

2. Have a permanent spot for continual decluttering.

Decluttering is the most efficient way to get and stay organized. Support your decluttering efforts by having an assigned spot in your house for items that need to be removed. Then you can actually get rid of the items in batched-up trips to a donation center.

3. Time your tasks.

If you want to let work be undone, you have to take control of the narrative within your head of what that work entails. I like to do this by timing my tasks. If I know how long it will take to do something, I will likely feel less intimidated by it.

For example: our family room is usually covered in toys after a day full of playing. It feels like SO MUCH. But, it actually only takes about 5 minutes to clean up, even in its worst state. Now that I know that, I can sit in the messy room more easily. I can tell myself that it will “only take 5 minutes” whenever I get around to it. Even if it cuts into my personal time, and even if I’m the only one to do it, it’s only 5 minutes—not the end of the world.

4. Make the housework relational.

Relationships and housework don’t need to be mutually exclusive. Involve your kids in clean up time. Give them jobs, or make a game of it. Brainstorm ways that you and your partner can work more as a team to tackle your messy house. It’s not always cut and dry, but just don’t forget that your family can spend quality time together while doing good, productive things for your household…and even your community.

5. Root yourself in what matters most.

Last but certainly not least, we must root ourselves in what matters most. For me, this is my relationship with Jesus. My love for others pours out from there. So I need to start my day by reminding myself of Jesus’s love and the truth of the gospel.

What is important to you? What is your “why”? Remind yourself of your priority so often that your heart aligns with your head.

If you are a Bible-believing Christian, like me, feel free to reflect upon the following devotional.

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A Devotional For The Mom In A Messy House

I cannot think about tasks vs. relationships without thinking of the passage from Luke 10:

At The Home of Mary and Martha

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:38-42 NIV

Review:

• Whose house was it?
• What was the relationship between Martha and Mary?
• How was Martha spending her time?
• How was Mary spending her time?
• What was Martha’s complaint?
• What was Jesus’ response?

Interpret:

• What do you think is the “better” thing?
• Define “better”.
• Define “needed”.

Apply:

• What things are worrying or upsetting you today?
• Which of these things are “needed”?
• How do you think God is calling you to prioritize your time today?

The Better Thing

There are so many good ways to spend your time. It is good to clean your house, make “preparations”, and/or help your sister. There are many passages of the Bible where Jesus calls his followers to love one another by serving them, and that can certainly look like a bunch of tasks. God also calls us to reflect His image, and He is absolutely a restorer of chaos. To work is good. To clean is good. To help is good.

But what is “better”? Jesus. A relationship with Jesus. Time with Jesus. And, by extension, relationships and time with His people. Oftentimes, our tasks or “preparations” primarily exist to serve Him or His people anyways. So let’s not let “good” get in the way of “better”.

The best part of this news is that it means rest. Jesus does not ask us to serve him, but he has come to serve us (Mark 10:45). Jesus’ ultimate point is that Martha didn’t need to do the work to prepare things for him, because he doesn’t need anything from us. He has done the work, and because of that we don’t have to be perfect. We can rest in Him, imperfections and all.